It's been too long.

In the past couple of months my life has been nothing sure of a roller coaster that you should prepare for by taking some Dramamine. But, I have no desire to get into all of the little set backs, because when you loose something very important to you, those things all become a blur and none of that matters anymore.

 On December 26th my grandmother, Bernice Manfra, passed away at the age of 88. Seeing her dealing with the dementia over the pass couple of years and it worsting over the past month after she broke her hip was so difficult. I am happy she is finally out of pain and she can be with my pop-pop. Dementia is such a horrible disease. Looking into someones eyes and seeing nothing but a blank stare is heart breaking. Reverting to a child-like manner when you've lived a dignified life is so tragic. My words are jumbling and I can't think clearly right now. Though I believe my shock has subsided for the most part, I still can not grasp the idea of her not being here and more. I've never in my adult life dealt with any of this before, how does the human mind process someone permanently leaving this world? Maybe I think to much, but I just can't wrap my mind around it.

Tomorrow is the viewing, followed by the funeral on Monday. I'm not sure how I will react, but the idea of seeing her laying in an open casket....just the idea of it mortifies me.  I will have to be strong though, I need to make sure my mom is okay. I couldn't imagine loosing my mother...but I just have to remind myself and her, that the person who was laying there in a hospital bed wasn't my mom-mom, she left awhile ago. Now she can finally rest in peace.

Death is really such a heavy subject, it seems to bizarre to me now going through this now as an adult, that your world can be crashing down around you, but everyone's life continues to move on as normal. It feels insensitive in an absurd way. I don't know what I am trying to say... I'm just vocalizing my thoughts out loud I suppose.

I just need to remember to breathe and everything will be alright.

As I am waiting at express care waiting to be seen by a doctor I witnessed something that completely blows my mind, even though I shouldn't be shocked. When I arrived here I had to pay a 40 co-pay for my visit. I think that's extremely high,but that's the insurance I have. About 20 minutes later I middle aged woman comes in and when the lady behind the counter asked for her insurance information. She stated she didn't have any. I understand people go though hard times, whether they lost a job and no longer have or can afford health insurance. But her copay was 20.... Now please explain to me how that works? It's cheaper not to have insurance rather than having insurance as we are "supposed" to have. I just don't understand.....

Today I went to my local art festival in town today. I have attended to festival every year since I was little, and I look forward to going all year. The festival is for all types of artist, crafters, jewelers, painters, photographers, sculptures, etc. There is a little bit of everything there and this little festival that started with a small amount of vendors and a manageable size audience, has now grown to 350 vendors not only local but from all over the country, and people that are shoulder to shoulder to one another. Though being in any type of crowd for me is unpleasant, it's nice to see so many people coming out to support art. I considered entering the festival last year as a crafter but the process is tedious with having to have all work that you intend to sell by April when the show isn't until September. But,I am going to apply this year! I have set a goal for myself to get this thing going now! Though that may seem overboard since I have a year but I need to get my ideas together now so that I don't procrastinate and I can start looking for supplies. I'm very excited! Though I wish my excitement would transfer over for my enthusiasm for homework...Oh well!

I am very content with myself today. Though I feel horrible from being ill, I was very productive today. I got the majority of my school work finished and I relaxed at the same time. This quite the accomplishment for me, let me tell you! I have always been one of those people to put myself under the most stress possible to get whatever I need to get finished because I'm a huge procrastinator. I ruin my day working my ass off and having panic attacks about getting the work finished, even though I always get it finished somehow. Today was nice to get my work done in a peaceful manner. No stress. Don't get me wrong, I work well under pressure but overall my work is much better when given the right amount of time to do so. Also, It's a plus that I'm not a complete mess while doing it because I want to pull my hair out from the massive amounts of stress that I have created for myself. I think if people, and this absolutely goes for myself as well, plan out a little bit more and stick to that plan we would all be much better people. What I mean by that is......we wouldn't have a stick up our asses. I am fully guilty of projecting my stress onto others because of my poor judgement of my own life matters. When there are days like that people just better stay out of my way because I will knock you down, if not physically at least by my temper. I don't know why the human race does this to themselves, it makes you feel horrible, physically and emotionally. I'm sure I'll do this again to myself and think WHY?! but, seriously why are we that stupid. We need to learn from our mistakes, but we are all just to damn stubborn. We need to stick with what works for us, and what makes us happy. If you need to convince yourself that something is good for you, the chances are probably not.

If you love your body, don't eat fried food.

Respect your body.

nuff' said.

:(

Is ignorance really bliss, or plain out stupidity?
I'm going to go with stupidity. I was told today that I am
A negative person because I am aware of my surroundings enough to see that the more construction in my town is absoutely destroying it. We don't have a McDonalds in a five mile radius so we need to build one.....seriously, what the hell. People are becoming more and more stupid and lazy it makes me livid. And to add to it they will be all obese and then they'll bitch about that.

Humanity at its finest. I'd rather be aware of the issues and preserve something beautiful than be ignorant and promote something useless and disgusting.

I could go on about this all day, but the veins in my neck might burst so I'll stop while I'm
ahead.

I feel fortunate to find someone who loves and respects me as much as I do them. Relationships are hard work, there are ups and there are downs. You need to be their best friend, and they need to be yours before you can truly have real love. On another rambling note, I start my first of two senior years for college (oh the joys of being in a five year program) I am excited to get back into the swing of things, even though I know it will soon wear off. But oh well. The past few days have been uneventful, not in the way that I haven't done anything, I actually been quite busy but I haven't spent that time doing very productive things for myself. So perhaps maybe tomorrow will be a more insightful day.

Why do people try so hard to impress others? If that's who you wanted to be, you would be it. If someone likes you, they will like you. If not, then move on. Don't live your life trying to fit in someones idea of perfection, when in your life when you are trying to find things that fit you perfectly. Let yourself live life.

Does that make sense?

Just don't spend your life trying to fit a mold that others want you to fit in, everyone wants to be liked. But, don't change you for them. By the time you are 30 you will feel much older, I promise you that. You are living many lives trying to keep up with everyone. Screw them, and be happy with you.

Just a warning, this is a random personal venting post:

I hate having the itch to create when you don't have the room to create. I am a twenty-one year old who is busting at the seams to get out and live on my own. I cannot wait to graduate and to finally find the career that makes me happy. I think I'll be really happy within this career field. I want to be able to decorate a house that I call my own and be happy in a living environment that I've created for myself. I am undecided on where I want to go, where I'd like to live. I have ties that will keep me here for a few years, meaning staying within the United States. But eventually I'd like to live aboard for a while, experience a new way of living. I want to see all the sites, visit the touristy things, but most importantly live as a part of a new community seeing things as the locals do. It's difficult but exciting to think about what's in store for my future. I find myself contemplating things that most people my age do such as marriage, children, and other "grown up things". But I am lucky that I have found the person that is my other half. The person I can expose myself inside and out too. I love you. And I'm not sure what is in store for us for tomorrow, and I'm especially not sure of the days after to come. But as long as I'm with you, exploring, living our life to the fullest. Then I'm up for the ride.

Sometimes it's the simplest moments that make you the happiest. I had a few of those moments today. It started when I woke up this morning, my body had the intentions of being lazy today and I gave in a bit, letting myself sleep a little longer than need be, my dog, Luca, gave me the "okay, fine" look and laid back down. When I finally pushed myself to get up about an hour later, Luca knew I wasn't going back to sleep. Now for those who don't know Luca, he is a special needs dog who had surgery on his front two legs as a puppy. This makes him abnormally flexible. He stretched his body all over my queen size bed (he's mixed, and my boyfriend and I think he's a German Shepard/Great Dane mix) which left me little room to try to maneuver myself off the bed. Then he flopped his body over me and gave me many kisses. He's has such a sweet spirit about him, and those little moments like that, that are so goofy and wonderful just make my day.

 My other encounter today was when my boyfriend and I were walking in the neighborhood and this new young couple who moved him about a year or so ago up the street they have a little girl, no older than 2 or 3. While passing the house, the dad who was still in a work uniform was out with his daughter on the driveway coloring with chalk with her, and not just overseeing her create her artwork but he was sitting there, drawing with her, he was devoted to spend this valuable time with his young daughter. It was really a inspiring thing to see, it's unfortunate that something like spending quality time with your child, no matter the age, but especially with a young child is a rarity. Its so much easier to plant your child in front of a television or computer now-a-days. I'm not sure why, but it just really hit a soft spot with me, it was really sweet. That little girl was so happy to he spending time with her father, and that is how all parent-child relationships should be.

And finally, the day ended with ordering carry-out sushi with some hard cider. So simplistic, but yet so....great, ha. It's so nice to end a busy day with something so simple and spend it with the person you love. We never get carry-out but a while ago we tried it because we didn't feel like being in the hustle and bustle of the Friday crowds in town so we decided to just stay in, and it's nice every so often to just do something like that. I'm not sure where this is leading, but the simplistic nature of the night make me so much happier then whatever else I could've been doing that night.

Take in the simple moments, they might not seem like much but they are very important.

P.S.  The only downside of the night was when I opened my fortune cookie, there was no fortune....what the hell! I wonder if that's a sign hahaha :p

Though today wasn't as productive as I would've liked it to be, I am okay with that. I think my body, told me to take a breather and take my word when I say, TRUST YOUR BODY. My body locked up and was clearly giving me the go ahead to be lazy today. So that is exactly what I did today. Nothing. At least nothing productive. At first it made me feel guilty though, I've been out and about, working my ass off with my exercise program and eating right that actually not doing something made me feel incompetent, which I would've never felt to this degree a couple of weeks ago. I need to be comfortable in knowing that in this process it's okay to take a day off from all the insanity around me once in a while. Well tomorrow is a new day, ready for new experiences, and back to being productive!

I went to a local national park close to my home town today that a friend of mine showed my boyfriend and I a while ago. It was a wonderful feeling when it looks like no other soul has ever been to this beautiful hidden gem. I just love that feeling that you have found this undiscovered treasure that hasn't been exposed to the worlds insanity yet. The creeks water rushed beside you while you travel along the wide tree covered path. You get stuck in this innocent-like world when you are surrounded with such beautiful things. You see how nature carries on without the modern conveniences that we as humans supposedly "need", where something so complex can carry on so flawlessly, It's really a shame that many younger generations and my generation included and I suppose even some from the past generations doesn't even know what nature really is. It's not about, "It's so beautiful outside" because you walked to your car and then sat inside all day, it's just really unfortunate to me. Believe me,  I should drag my butt outside more often then I actually do, but, when I find myself outside, whether it be biking in my neighborhood or hiking or whatever, my energy gets lifted automatically. We just all need to stop being lazy and experience something other than television, computers, video games, etc. There is so much more to life, and those things will always be there for you to revisit. People, including myself, need to stop making so many excuses. Just go do something. Live your life. As I am trying to find those things that make me happy, I think others need to realize as well to go out of there comfort zone a bit and give some new things a try.

So this is the fortune I got after treating myself today to a delicious sushi meal at my favorite restaurant. I collect fortunes from these cookies, I ask everyone to give them if I can have their fortune that they throw aside or on their dirty plate full of soy sauce. I collect them with the intentions of using them on day, not like a hoarder or anything, but hopefully for an art project I have yet to create. I have to have hundreds of these scattered throughout random boxes where you put the things that don't have a place. I find fortune cookies to be whimsical in a way, whether it be words of encouragement like this one, or a fortune that is may be impractical to fit your lifestyle, or my favorite the ones that are so grammatically incorrect they just make you laugh. The essence of these cookie fortunes are to remind yourself to stay present. Everyone who gets a fortune cookie opens them, and if they don't, then they must be from a strange far out planet or something absurd like that. Anyway, people do this because they find it entertaining for a little paper within a cookie to help you explain your life. Whether we dismiss these claims inside of these cookies, or like me, find many inspirational is another subject that I won't get into. I just find the ritual of fortune cookie to be quite interesting. What I also found interesting is that I got this exact fortune today "You are coming into your own power-enjoy!" Maybe I'm crazy, but I think it was the most appropriate fortune I could've gotten. Either way it put a little spring to my step to keep me motivated, and that I did today.

I was very productive today. To keep things short, I treated myself to sushi and took my dog Luca for a enjoyable ride. I also started reading The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway, which I think I am going to enjoy. I enjoy feeling transported to another era, especially when it takes place abroad. Then, I did a paper cutting craft that I will post after this. And I ended my day with a bike ride and on top of that continued my rigorous exercise routine that I am following, I'm sure I'll feel the consequences of that tomorrow. But enough of that. Here is the craft I worked on.

Let me start off by saying I am not a master of paper cutting, it is a very intense craft that requires a lot of patience especially with delicate paper. Also this design was from a template from a book I purchased that has many interesting designs to help me develop my paper cutting skills. So, the one of the left was traced and then cut by exact o-knife with plain computer paper and put on a yellow card stock type of paper. The bird on the right was from the pieces  I cut out from the bird on the left.Then I glued those little pieces onto the same type of yellow paper I used in the one on the left. I thought it would be interesting to make a negative of the bird. Which left me with no trash which I believe is pretty awesome. I am pretty content with how these came out though, I really do enjoy this process and it's something I would like to explore more.

So go me! This long post was appropriate for how much I did today and how accomplished I feel :)

Let me start off by saying that I'm not exactly sure what the purpose of this blog is. I have come to the conclusion that it would be beneficial for me to create a forum for myself, to think, write, create, etc. So here it goes....

It's the middle of night, and as usual I get bored and my mind wonders in places that it knows it shouldn't be in. I feel unsatisfied and discontent with what I am surrounded by. I find myself often wondering of somethings that are obtainable, but yet would require me to change so many things. I believe this is just from boredom. I want to create. I want to do more adventurous, lively things, with more adventurous, lively people. But instead, I find myself sitting here, dreaming of a lifestyle I currently do not have. I hope to change this. This funk I have been in for (what is hard to admit) a year or so... needs to be...defunked? ha. I am a girl with big ideas, a big imagination and though it may sound corny, and big heart too. So I was use this blog as a way to communicate with myself, and maybe others. Hopefully this will be a push for me that I'm in need of.