It's been too long.

In the past couple of months my life has been nothing sure of a roller coaster that you should prepare for by taking some Dramamine. But, I have no desire to get into all of the little set backs, because when you loose something very important to you, those things all become a blur and none of that matters anymore.

 On December 26th my grandmother, Bernice Manfra, passed away at the age of 88. Seeing her dealing with the dementia over the pass couple of years and it worsting over the past month after she broke her hip was so difficult. I am happy she is finally out of pain and she can be with my pop-pop. Dementia is such a horrible disease. Looking into someones eyes and seeing nothing but a blank stare is heart breaking. Reverting to a child-like manner when you've lived a dignified life is so tragic. My words are jumbling and I can't think clearly right now. Though I believe my shock has subsided for the most part, I still can not grasp the idea of her not being here and more. I've never in my adult life dealt with any of this before, how does the human mind process someone permanently leaving this world? Maybe I think to much, but I just can't wrap my mind around it.

Tomorrow is the viewing, followed by the funeral on Monday. I'm not sure how I will react, but the idea of seeing her laying in an open casket....just the idea of it mortifies me.  I will have to be strong though, I need to make sure my mom is okay. I couldn't imagine loosing my mother...but I just have to remind myself and her, that the person who was laying there in a hospital bed wasn't my mom-mom, she left awhile ago. Now she can finally rest in peace.

Death is really such a heavy subject, it seems to bizarre to me now going through this now as an adult, that your world can be crashing down around you, but everyone's life continues to move on as normal. It feels insensitive in an absurd way. I don't know what I am trying to say... I'm just vocalizing my thoughts out loud I suppose.

I just need to remember to breathe and everything will be alright.

As I am waiting at express care waiting to be seen by a doctor I witnessed something that completely blows my mind, even though I shouldn't be shocked. When I arrived here I had to pay a 40 co-pay for my visit. I think that's extremely high,but that's the insurance I have. About 20 minutes later I middle aged woman comes in and when the lady behind the counter asked for her insurance information. She stated she didn't have any. I understand people go though hard times, whether they lost a job and no longer have or can afford health insurance. But her copay was 20.... Now please explain to me how that works? It's cheaper not to have insurance rather than having insurance as we are "supposed" to have. I just don't understand.....

Today I went to my local art festival in town today. I have attended to festival every year since I was little, and I look forward to going all year. The festival is for all types of artist, crafters, jewelers, painters, photographers, sculptures, etc. There is a little bit of everything there and this little festival that started with a small amount of vendors and a manageable size audience, has now grown to 350 vendors not only local but from all over the country, and people that are shoulder to shoulder to one another. Though being in any type of crowd for me is unpleasant, it's nice to see so many people coming out to support art. I considered entering the festival last year as a crafter but the process is tedious with having to have all work that you intend to sell by April when the show isn't until September. But,I am going to apply this year! I have set a goal for myself to get this thing going now! Though that may seem overboard since I have a year but I need to get my ideas together now so that I don't procrastinate and I can start looking for supplies. I'm very excited! Though I wish my excitement would transfer over for my enthusiasm for homework...Oh well!

I am very content with myself today. Though I feel horrible from being ill, I was very productive today. I got the majority of my school work finished and I relaxed at the same time. This quite the accomplishment for me, let me tell you! I have always been one of those people to put myself under the most stress possible to get whatever I need to get finished because I'm a huge procrastinator. I ruin my day working my ass off and having panic attacks about getting the work finished, even though I always get it finished somehow. Today was nice to get my work done in a peaceful manner. No stress. Don't get me wrong, I work well under pressure but overall my work is much better when given the right amount of time to do so. Also, It's a plus that I'm not a complete mess while doing it because I want to pull my hair out from the massive amounts of stress that I have created for myself. I think if people, and this absolutely goes for myself as well, plan out a little bit more and stick to that plan we would all be much better people. What I mean by that is......we wouldn't have a stick up our asses. I am fully guilty of projecting my stress onto others because of my poor judgement of my own life matters. When there are days like that people just better stay out of my way because I will knock you down, if not physically at least by my temper. I don't know why the human race does this to themselves, it makes you feel horrible, physically and emotionally. I'm sure I'll do this again to myself and think WHY?! but, seriously why are we that stupid. We need to learn from our mistakes, but we are all just to damn stubborn. We need to stick with what works for us, and what makes us happy. If you need to convince yourself that something is good for you, the chances are probably not.

If you love your body, don't eat fried food.

Respect your body.

nuff' said.

:(

Is ignorance really bliss, or plain out stupidity?
I'm going to go with stupidity. I was told today that I am
A negative person because I am aware of my surroundings enough to see that the more construction in my town is absoutely destroying it. We don't have a McDonalds in a five mile radius so we need to build one.....seriously, what the hell. People are becoming more and more stupid and lazy it makes me livid. And to add to it they will be all obese and then they'll bitch about that.

Humanity at its finest. I'd rather be aware of the issues and preserve something beautiful than be ignorant and promote something useless and disgusting.

I could go on about this all day, but the veins in my neck might burst so I'll stop while I'm
ahead.

I feel fortunate to find someone who loves and respects me as much as I do them. Relationships are hard work, there are ups and there are downs. You need to be their best friend, and they need to be yours before you can truly have real love. On another rambling note, I start my first of two senior years for college (oh the joys of being in a five year program) I am excited to get back into the swing of things, even though I know it will soon wear off. But oh well. The past few days have been uneventful, not in the way that I haven't done anything, I actually been quite busy but I haven't spent that time doing very productive things for myself. So perhaps maybe tomorrow will be a more insightful day.